How to Talk to Kids About Sexual Assault: A Parent’s Guide

The sexual assault allegations involving a former student at Cornell University in the United States continue to draw widespread attention and raise difficult questions about campus safety, consent and how universities respond when students report sexual violence. The former student, identified in court documents as Jane Doe, alleges that she was drugged and sexually assaulted by multiple men at a Cornell fraternity house in October 2024. Her civil lawsuit has prompted student protests, renewed scrutiny of the university’s response and a reopened criminal investigation. The allegations have not been established in a criminal trial, and the accused have disputed them.

The case has become an important part of a broader conversation about sexual assault at colleges and universities. It is a reminder that young people need to understand consent, personal boundaries and their right to seek help long before they leave home for postsecondary education.

Sexual violence is also a serious concern in Canada. Candice Shaw, executive director of the Ending Sexual Violence Association of Canada, told CTV News that 11 per cent of female students and four per cent of male students experience sexual assault in a post-secondary setting. These figures are consistent with Statistics Canada’s 2019 survey, which found that 11 per cent of women students and four per cent of men students had experienced sexual assault in a postsecondary setting during the previous 12 months.

Talking to children about sexual assault is not an easy conversation. Many parents worry about frightening their children, introducing difficult subjects too early or not knowing what to say. Yet these conversations are an important part of helping young people understand personal boundaries, recognize unhealthy behaviour and know where to turn if something happens.

Sexual assault is not limited to one setting, age group or type of relationship. It can happen at school, on a date, at a party, through online interactions or on a college or university campus. A person who causes harm may be a stranger, an acquaintance, a romantic partner or someone the young person already knows and trusts.

Parents do not need to explain everything in one conversation. The goal is to build trust over time, teach children that their bodies and boundaries matter, and make sure they know they can ask for help without being blamed or punished.

Start Talking About Consent and Personal Boundaries Early

Conversations about consent can begin when children are young. Use age-appropriate language to explain that they have a right to decide what happens to their bodies. They do not have to hug someone, sit on someone’s lap or accept unwanted physical contact simply to be polite.

As children get older, expand the conversation to include romantic relationships, sexual activity, pressure and respect.

Make sure your child understands that:

• Everyone has the right to set personal boundaries.
• Consent must be freely given, not obtained through pressure, threats, manipulation or fear.
• Silence or a lack of resistance does not mean someone agrees.
• Consent can be withdrawn at any time.
• Someone who is asleep, unconscious or too impaired by alcohol or drugs to make a decision cannot give meaningful consent.
• Being in a relationship or having consented in the past does not mean someone has agreed to sexual activity now.

It is also important to explain that consent applies to everyone, regardless of gender, age, clothing, relationship status or sexual history.

Children should understand both sides of the conversation. They deserve to have their boundaries respected, and they are responsible for respecting other people’s boundaries too.

Talk About Sexual Assault on College and University Campuses

As children approach their late teens, conversations should include the risks and realities of sexual violence in postsecondary settings. College and university can bring new independence, social situations, dating experiences, parties and exposure to alcohol or drugs. For some young people, it may also be their first time living away from family.

Sexual assault can occur on campus, in student residences, at parties, during social gatherings or in private settings involving someone the student knows. It can involve a stranger, a friend, a classmate, a dating partner or someone in a position of authority.

Statistics Canada’s 2019 survey found that most students who experienced sexual assault in a postsecondary setting said at least one incident occurred off campus. This is an important distinction because campus-related sexual violence is not confined to university buildings or student residences. It can happen in social settings and other places connected to student life.

Parents should avoid giving the impression that sexual assault only happens when someone goes somewhere alone or makes an unsafe decision. Responsibility always belongs to the person who commits the assault.

Before a young person leaves for college or university, talk about:

• Recognizing pressure, manipulation and controlling behaviour in relationships.
• Respecting consent, including when alcohol or drugs are involved.
• Looking out for friends who may be uncomfortable or unable to make decisions.
• Making a plan to get home safely without feeling obligated to stay in an uncomfortable situation.
• Knowing how to contact campus security, student support services or a sexual violence support office.
• Understanding that they can seek medical care and support whether or not they choose to make a police report.

Encourage your child to learn what services their college or university offers before they need them. Many Canadian postsecondary institutions have sexual violence policies and provide access to counselling, confidential support and assistance with reporting options.

Students should also know that they can ask questions about their options without immediately committing to a formal complaint or police report.

Explain Date Rape and Drug-Facilitated Sexual Assault

The term date rape refers to sexual assault committed by someone the victim knows, such as a date, romantic partner, friend or acquaintance. It is important for young people to understand that knowing someone, agreeing to go on a date or having a previous sexual relationship does not mean they have consented to sexual activity.

Drug-facilitated sexual assault can involve someone deliberately giving another person alcohol or drugs, or taking advantage of someone who is already intoxicated. Alcohol itself can impair a person’s ability to make decisions or consent. Some substances can also cause confusion, extreme drowsiness, memory problems or loss of consciousness.

Talk to teens about practical safety without making them feel responsible for preventing someone else’s actions. They can stay connected with friends, make plans for getting home, keep an eye on their drinks and seek help if they feel suddenly unwell or unusually impaired. They should know they can leave a situation at any time, even if doing so feels awkward or disappoints someone.

It is also worth discussing how to help a friend. If someone appears extremely intoxicated, confused, unconscious or unable to look after themselves, young people should get help rather than leave that person alone with someone they do not trust.

Most importantly, explain that no one deserves to be assaulted because they drank alcohol, used drugs, accepted a drink, went to someone’s home or trusted the wrong person. The responsibility belongs to the person who violated their consent.

Discuss Online Grooming and Sexual Exploitation

Not every threat begins with an in-person encounter. Online grooming can happen through social media, messaging apps, online games, livestreaming platforms and other places where young people communicate.

A person who grooms a child or teenager may pretend to be someone their age, offer compliments, give gifts, show unusual interest in their problems or create the impression of a special relationship. Over time, that person may encourage secrecy, introduce sexual conversations, request intimate photographs or videos, or pressure the young person to meet in person.

Sometimes the person is a stranger. In other situations, the young person may already know them.

Explain that someone who asks a child to keep a relationship secret, move conversations to a private platform, send sexual images or prove their affection through sexual behaviour is crossing a boundary. Threats to share intimate images unless the young person sends more, pays money or complies with demands are a form of sextortion.

Children need to know that they should never have to manage these situations alone. If someone threatens or pressures them, they can stop responding, tell a trusted adult and seek help. Reassure them that they will not be punished for asking for help, even if they have already sent an image or shared personal information.

Parents can also make a point of keeping communication open about their children’s online lives. Rather than simply checking devices or imposing rules, ask who they talk to, what games and platforms they use, and whether anyone online has made them uncomfortable. Children are more likely to speak up when they know they will be listened to rather than immediately blamed or have their devices taken away.

Public Safety Canada’s discussion guide for parents and caregivers offers practical suggestions for discussing online grooming and sexual exploitation with children. Parents can also visit Cybertip.ca for information about recognizing and reporting online child sexual exploitation.

Help Young People Recognize the Risks of Human Trafficking

Human trafficking is another difficult but important subject to discuss, particularly with teenagers and young adults. Sex trafficking involves exploiting a person for sexual services through force, threats, deception or other forms of control. It can involve manipulation and coercion rather than the dramatic abduction scenarios often portrayed in movies.

A trafficker may build a relationship with someone, offer affection, gifts, money, employment or promises of a better life. They may gradually create dependence, isolate the person from family and friends, introduce threats or use shame and fear to maintain control.

Young people should be cautious when someone they recently met offers unusually generous gifts, promises easy money, pressures them to travel or work under unclear arrangements, or tries to control who they see and communicate with.

Talk about healthy relationships and the difference between genuine care and control. A person who loves or respects someone does not demand secrecy, threaten them, isolate them or make them feel indebted for gifts or affection.

It is equally important to avoid teaching children to distrust everyone. Instead, help them recognize concerning behaviour, trust their instincts and understand that help is available if a relationship or situation begins to feel unsafe.

For information and support, the Canadian Human Trafficking Hotline is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week. The confidential hotline can be reached at 1-833-900-1010.

What Should You Say If Your Child Tells You About an Assault?

One of the most important things parents can do is make sure their children know they will be believed and supported.

If a child or teenager discloses sexual assault, your first reaction matters. You may feel shocked, angry, frightened or overwhelmed. Those feelings are understandable, but try not to let them take over the conversation.

Listen without interrupting. Avoid pressing for every detail or asking questions that suggest the child is responsible for what happened. Do not ask why they went somewhere, why they trusted someone or why they did not fight back.

Instead, say:

• “I believe you.”
• “I’m glad you told me.”
• “This was not your fault.”
• “You did not deserve this.”
• “I’m here for you, and we’ll work out what happens next together.”

Let your child know they are not in trouble. Do not threaten to take away their phone, punish them for a relationship or criticize them for decisions they made before the assault. Even if you are upset about the circumstances, your child needs to know that coming to you was the right thing to do.

Ask what they need right now. They may want you to sit with them, help them contact a counsellor, arrange medical attention or simply listen. Whenever possible, give them choices and involve them in decisions about their next steps.

If the assault is recent, medical care can be important even if the person does not want to report to police. A healthcare professional or sexual assault service can explain available care and options. Reporting to police is not a requirement for seeking medical attention or support.

If a child tells you about abuse involving someone in their home or someone who has access to them, take the disclosure seriously and seek guidance from appropriate child protection or support services. Do not confront the alleged abuser in a way that could put the child at further risk or interfere with an investigation.

Where Can Parents and Young People Reach Out for Help in Canada?

If a child, teenager or young adult experiences sexual assault, online exploitation or trafficking, they do not have to navigate the situation alone. Depending on their circumstances, support may be available through a trusted adult, healthcare provider, counsellor, school, college or university, community organization or crisis service.

Here are some Canadian resources to keep accessible.

Kids Help Phone

Young people can contact Kids Help Phone for confidential support, information and referrals. Call 1-800-668-6868 or text CONNECT to 686868 to reach a crisis responder. Visit KidsHelpPhone.ca.

Cybertip.ca

Cybertip.ca is Canada’s national tip line for reporting online child sexual exploitation. It provides information about grooming, sexual exploitation and how to report concerns. Visit Cybertip.ca.

NeedHelpNow.ca

If a young person’s intimate image has been shared or threatened with being shared online, NeedHelpNow.ca offers information and support to help address the situation. It provides practical steps for requesting image removal and finding emotional support. Visit NeedHelpNow.ca.

Canadian Human Trafficking Hotline

Anyone concerned about possible human trafficking can call 1-833-900-1010. The confidential service is available 24 hours a day, seven days a week, and can connect callers with support and local services. Visit CanadianHumanTraffickingHotline.ca.

Ending Sexual Violence Association of Canada

The Ending Sexual Violence Association of Canada provides information to help people find sexual violence support and services. Its getting-help resource can help survivors and those supporting them identify where to turn.

College and University Support Services

Students can contact their institution’s sexual violence support office, counselling services, student services or campus health centre. These services can explain available supports, reporting procedures and options for academic or housing accommodations.

If someone is in immediate danger, call 911.

Keep the Conversation Open

Talking to children about sexual assault should not be a one-time discussion. As they grow, their relationships, online activities and social environments change. What a parent discusses with a young child will naturally be different from a conversation with a teenager preparing to attend college or university.

Look for everyday opportunities to talk about respect, consent, boundaries and healthy relationships. Ask what they think about situations they see in television shows, news stories or online discussions. Listen to their questions without making them feel embarrassed for asking.

As children become teenagers, make room for conversations about dating, parties, alcohol, online relationships and peer pressure. When they prepare to leave home, make sure they know how to access campus support services and that they can call you if they ever feel unsafe.

Above all, make sure your children know they can come to you even when they are frightened, confused or worried that they have made a mistake. They should never feel that they have to protect an adult’s reputation, keep an uncomfortable secret or handle an unsafe situation by themselves.

You cannot control every situation your child may encounter, but you can give them knowledge, support and the confidence to speak up. One of the most important messages they can hear is simple: Your body belongs to you, your boundaries matter, and you can always ask for help.