How often have you had the thought, "If you really loved me, you wouldn't... 

• Get angry, yell, curse, call names, say mean, untrue things about me
• Project your behavior onto me
• Withdraw, run away, shut down, sit spaced-out in front of the TV
• Resist doing what I ask you to do
• Look at other women, have an affair
• ____________________ (fill in your own)

My counseling clients often complain to me about interactions they had with a partner, friend, parents or co-worker. When I asked the question, "Why didn't you speak up for yourself?" here are the most common answers I receive:

"I want to keep the peace."
"I don't want to rock the boat."
"I didn't know what to say."
"It won't change anything."
"He/she won't listen."
"We will just end up fighting."
"He/she will make it my fault."

We all know that a man appreciates when you get all gussied up for him and whet his appetite in something short and lacy.

Gulp.

If you are anything like us, you cringe at the idea of going to Victoria's Secret and finding something to wear with a man. The dressing room mirrors alone are a nightmare. All we seem to see in them are the back rolls and dimpled cheeks that the down-light so wonderfully enhances. The pictures of gorgeous models on the walls around you are enough to make you ditch the lingerie idea entirely and go straight to the food court for an insecurities-soothing ice cream cone.

Did you grow up believing that if only someone REALLY loved you in the way you needed to be loved, then you would feel happy, safe, lovable and worthy?

Certainly being truly loved by parents goes a long way toward supporting children in feeling safe and lovable, but it is not the whole story. Even if your parents did love you the way you needed to be loved, if they didn’t role-model loving themselves, then it is likely you absorbed their forms of self-abandonment – judging themselves, turning to various addictions to manage their feelings, and making others responsible for their feelings and sense of worth.

Frequently, when I start to work with a new client, they believe that loving their self is selfish. Nothing could be further from the truth. A more accurate definition of selfish is expecting others to give themselves up and do for you what you can and need to be doing for yourself.