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Rose
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 Posted: Mon Apr 16, 2007 7:48 pm Post subject: Jokes |
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Pure Essence
Joined: Mar 17, 2004
Posts: 2869
Location: Canada Ontario
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Share Your Best Jokes With Us
A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girl stopped beside him on her shiny new bike. Nice bike," the cop said, "Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep," the little girl said, "He sure did!"
The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $20 ticket for a safety violation, saying, "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it."
The young girl looked up at the cop and said, "Nice horse you got there sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "Yes, he sure did," chuckled the cop.
The little girl looked up at the cop and said, "Next year tell Santa the dick goes underneath the horse, not on top.
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Rose DesRochers World Outside My Window|
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Bobby
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| Posted: Tue Apr 17, 2007 7:24 am Post subject: |
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Bob A man for all roses
Joined: Mar 18, 2004
Posts: 91
Location: Maryland
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Can you raed tihs?.
The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid. Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch
at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it dseno't mtaetr in waht oerdr the
ltteres in a wrod are, the olny iproamtnt tihng is taht the frsit
and lsat ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl
mses and you can sitll raed it whotuit a pboerlm. Tihs is bcuseae
the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod
as a wlohe.
Azanmig huh? yaeh and I awlyas tghuhot slpeling was ipmorantt! |
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Rose
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| Posted: Tue Apr 17, 2007 6:05 pm Post subject: |
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Pure Essence
Joined: Mar 17, 2004
Posts: 2869
Location: Canada Ontario
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Thanks McBill for this reminder that we are never to old!
Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, are sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.
The old man looks over and says to the old lady, "I know just what you want, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looks surprised but doesn't say a word.
The old man continues, "For $10 I'll do it with you on the nice soft sofa by the window, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple of moments, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
"Get serious." she says, "Four times in the rocker."
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Rose DesRochers World Outside My Window|
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Bobby
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| Posted: Thu Apr 19, 2007 5:10 pm Post subject: |
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Bob A man for all roses
Joined: Mar 18, 2004
Posts: 91
Location: Maryland
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THE WELL-PLANNED LIFE
Two women met for the first time since graduating from high school. One asked the other,
"You were always so organized in school, Did you manage to live a well planned life? "
"Yes," said her friend. "My first marriage was to a millionaire; my second marriage was to an actor;
my third marriage was to a preacher; and now I'm married to an undertaker."
Her friend asked, "What do those marriages have to do with a well planned life?"
To which her friend replied: "One for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go." |
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Bobby
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| Posted: Fri May 04, 2007 5:23 pm Post subject: |
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Bob A man for all roses
Joined: Mar 18, 2004
Posts: 91
Location: Maryland
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An elderly couple in their 80's were about to get married. She said: "I want to keep my house."
He said: "That's fine with me. We need a place to live, and your house is paid for."
She said: "And I want to keep my Cadillac."
He said: "That's fine with me. We need transportation."
She said: "And I want to have sex 6 times a week."
He said: "That's fine with me....I understand a woman has a higher sex drive as she gets older. Put me down for Friday." |
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Rose
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| Posted: Sun May 13, 2007 9:56 pm Post subject: |
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Pure Essence
Joined: Mar 17, 2004
Posts: 2869
Location: Canada Ontario
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Three women die together in an accident and go to heaven.
When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: don't step on the ducks!"
So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first woman accidentally steps on one.
Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest man she ever saw.
St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to this ugly man!"
The next day, the second woman steps accidentally on a duck and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing. With him is another extremely ugly man. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first woman.
The third woman has observed all this and, not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly man, is very, VERY careful where she steps.
She manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to her with the most handsome man she has ever laid eyes on ... very tall, long eyelashes, muscular, and thin.
St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.
The happy woman says, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?"
The guy says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"
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Rose DesRochers World Outside My Window|
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Bobby
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| Posted: Mon May 21, 2007 11:46 am Post subject: |
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Bob A man for all roses
Joined: Mar 18, 2004
Posts: 91
Location: Maryland
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Here's a quick test for you to take. This just proves that we
have become too dependent on our computers.
Computer Dependency Test
Q: Are you male or female?
To find out the answer, look down...
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Look down, not scroll down, dummy! |
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Bobby
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| Posted: Mon May 28, 2007 4:15 pm Post subject: |
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Bob A man for all roses
Joined: Mar 18, 2004
Posts: 91
Location: Maryland
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LONG STORY
A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned on the answering machine, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and the couple opened the front door to leave their house. The cat they had put out into the yard scooted back into the house. They didn't want the cat shut in the house because she always tried to eat the bird.
The wife got into the taxi while the husband went back inside to get the cat. The cat ran upstairs, the man in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, the wife didn't want the driver to know the house would be empty for the night.
She explained to the taxi driver that her husband would be out soon. "He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
A few minutes later, the husband got into the cab.
"Sorry I took so long", he said as they drove away."Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off so I grabbed her by the neck."
"Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked. I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard!"
The cabdriver hit a parked car. |
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Sheri1969
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| Posted: Thu May 31, 2007 1:52 am Post subject: |
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Women of Faith
Joined: Nov 30, 2005
Posts: 298
Location: Ontario Canada
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Why did God make Adam before Eve?
So Adam could get a word in first. 
Until Eve arrived, this was a mans world.
The first pair ate the first apple. :D
Sheri1969
_________________
Sheri Liegh Adams
Jesus Never Fails! |
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Bobby
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| Posted: Mon Jun 04, 2007 8:26 am Post subject: |
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Bob A man for all roses
Joined: Mar 18, 2004
Posts: 91
Location: Maryland
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Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm.'
"Mutual orgasm here and mutual orgasm there. That's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm." |
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Bobby
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| Posted: Thu Jun 14, 2007 8:04 am Post subject: |
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Bob A man for all roses
Joined: Mar 18, 2004
Posts: 91
Location: Maryland
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A couple preparing for a religious conversion meets with the
orthodox rabbi for their final session.
The rabbi asks if they have any final questions.
The man asks, "Is it true that men and women don't dance
together?"
"Yes," says the rabbi, "For modesty reasons, men and women dance
separately."
"So I can't dance with my own wife?"
"No."
"Well, okay," says the man, "but what about sex?"
"Fine," says the rabbi. "A mitzvah within the marriage!"
"What about different positions?" the man asks.
"No problem," says the rabbi.
"Woman on top?" the man asks.
"Why not?" replies the rabbi.
"How about doggie-style?"
"Of course!"
"Well, what about standing up?"
"NO!" says the rabbi....
"Why Not???" asks the man.
"Could lead to dancing!" |
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Bobby
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| Posted: Thu Jun 21, 2007 11:03 am Post subject: Dentist |
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Bob A man for all roses
Joined: Mar 18, 2004
Posts: 91
Location: Maryland
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This woman goes into a dentist's office for a checkup.
After he's through examining her he says:
"I am sorry to tell you this, but I am going to have to perform a
root canal"
"Ooooohhhh no," says the woman, "I think I'd rather have a baby!"
"Well make up your mind," says the dentist, "I have to adjust the
chair." |
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Sheri1969
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| Posted: Sat Jun 23, 2007 10:19 pm Post subject: |
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Women of Faith
Joined: Nov 30, 2005
Posts: 298
Location: Ontario Canada
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The Song of Solomon is the one book of the Bible dedicated solely to romantic love. Isn't it ironic that its initials are SOS?
Sheri1969
_________________
Sheri Liegh Adams
Jesus Never Fails! |
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Bobby
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| Posted: Tue Jun 26, 2007 8:22 pm Post subject: Restroom Sign |
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Bob A man for all roses
Joined: Mar 18, 2004
Posts: 91
Location: Maryland
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In a restroom at IBM's Watson Center, a supervisor had placed a sign directly above the sink. It had a single word on it -- "THINK!"
The next day, when he went to the restroom, he looked at the sign and right below, immediately above the soap dispenser, someone had carefully lettered another sign which read -- "THOAP!" |
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Smitty
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| Posted: Thu Jun 28, 2007 8:15 pm Post subject: |
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Mr. Winkle
Joined: May 27, 2006
Posts: 138
Location: Bellbrook, Ohio
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What did the bra say to the hat?
You go on ahead while I give these two a lift. |
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