The Dark Side of Mother's Day

What happens to the abusive mother? Unfortunately, she does not wear a sign that says, "I starved my child so that I could get attention." She never mentions the years of beatings or the scars she put on her children's bodies. She does not tell the stories of the young man she regularly brought in to babysit, who left her children bleeding and terrified. Instead, she thrives on playing the victim, announcing that her grown children do not call or visit her. She lives for the compassion and protection she pulls out of concerned neighbors and acquaintances. She seems like such a nice old lady. In reality, she has had years of practice to hone her tools of deception and to keep the truth well guarded.

Children learn what they live. Those who grow up in a loving, healthy environment end up having healthy relationships with their parents. In a safe childhood, love multiplies and grows into respect for all people. These children become adults who have strong relationships with other healthy adults, providing a secure and nurturing environment to raise children. Adults from a healthy and stable childhood naturally exhibit kindness and compassion for their aging parents.

Hate grows into more hate. Children who are abused or neglected are cheated out of the lessons of love. They are condemned to a life cycle of damaged relationships. Trust and faith are fragile, shattering with every strong breeze. Abused children learn at a very young age that the chance of rescue is rare. Most adults ignore the abusive situations as well as the cries for help, so the child stops asking. And then the anger takes hold. No matter what comes along as they grow up, asking for help is a lost option. The realistic, life-spanning expectation has been set: I'm all alone in this world.

When the child becomes an adolescent or adult, the abusive mother often changes the style of abuse. She now gathers people to fill her arsenal and uses them like weapons, turning them on her victimized offspring. Family members are played against one another, their relationships poisoned by the venomous lies from the abuser. The more off balance she can keep people, the less likely the family secret will be revealed.

Do you know any parents who are ignored by their grown children? Do you know any adults who stay away from their parents for long periods of time? When you hear the reasons why, this time listen differently. Listen without judgment. Do not listen with the image of your loving mother in your head. Loving mothers are loved in return.